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处女纸 by 阿布达拉

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发表于 2014-8-1 16:43:43 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
本帖最后由 闽中林木 于 2014-8-3 13:04 编辑

我与处女纸独处
它美好柔软,我不停触摸
它不说话,纹丝不动!

它只盯着,不眨眼
它完全平躺
静止,任我爱抚

当我告诉它:“说话,我在听
或“喔”,或对我耳语更好。
你生气了吗?那么至少咒我!”

它不回答。你以为它已死
或哑了,又聋又瞎!
它在惩罚我。我无助。

它不是湿的,否则我会拧干它
它不是钱袋儿,否则我已打开它
我不知该怎么做才能平和

纸偏执,断然拒绝!
人无法躲避,就要采取行动
所以我拎着半罐水回去

The Virgin Page
        Abdilatif Abdalla

It’s me alone, with the virgin page
It is nice and soft, and I keep touching it
It doesn’t speak, nor does it give any sign!

It just stares, with unblinking eyes
It lies, completely flat
It is still, though I caress it

When I tell it: “Talk, I'm listening.
Or say, ‘Hmph,’ or, better still, whisper to me.
Are you angry? Then at least curse me!”

It doesn’t respond. You’d think it is dead
Or mute, and deaf and blind!
It is punishing me. I am helpless

It’s not wet, or I would have wrung it out
It’s not a moneybelt, or I would have opened it
I don’t know what to do to obtain peace

Stubborn, the page has utterly refused!
That which cannot be avoided, one has to do it
So I am going back with my waterpot only half full

阿布达拉翻译过一首荷兰诗人 Bert Schierbeek (1918 - 1996)的诗,此诗的英文大意是:

To-morrow

The solitude of a writer
Before the unwritten sheet
That already weeps
And doesn’t know how to dry those tears
And to say then:
To-morrow then.

显然此诗给了他灵感。

发表于 2014-8-11 13:15:00 | 显示全部楼层
总体感觉,你对这首诗的节奏和语感把握或者传达的不是很好。显得有点就是在翻译意思而已,而且有不少意思并没有吃透。Virgin Page翻译成 处女纸 让人无法理解,而在英文中这不是问题,谁都知道是 白纸一张 的意思,就算想从字面上翻译出“原来的味道”,也还是要照顾译入语能够引出的联想才是
It's me alone, with the virgin page,这节奏和意思都要注意,用一个“我与处女纸独处”这样的一口气陈述,没头没尾;这句话原本可以暗示出,从头至尾就是我一个人在,面对着白纸一张。

这首诗似乎很一般呢
 楼主| 发表于 2014-8-12 17:06:57 | 显示全部楼层
得一忘二 发表于 2014-8-11 13:15
总体感觉,你对这首诗的节奏和语感把握或者传达的不是很好。显得有点就是在翻译意思而已,而且有不少意思并 ...

谢谢读评。译成处女纸主要是考虑到和后面的抚摸相互应。有人说诗就是翻译后失去的东西,我想其中语气就是主要部分。

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